How did I not know him?

How did I not know him? 

 It was as though he had become a different person I said to myself as I sat by the water, just days after my boyfriend took his own life.

We had been away on holiday, spent so much time together, had so many laughs, it was a truly wonderful time.

 On our return I had to spend 2 days away with work, it seemed easy, a week away surely 2 days apart would be ok.

 We kissed at the door as I left in the car to go out of town, a happy wave, a toot of the horn & of I went.

 We had planned to call the next day, I had a busy workload, service calls were high, no surprise it was often like this on trips, the day soon came to an end. Tired out.

 By 6pm I had booked into my room, poured wine & sat down to give my man a call. I was excited to hear his voice, chat about my successful sales pitch.

 The phone rang out, not really an issue, maybe at the gym, often he would call around to see his mum. I let it go, ordered a meal and had a shower. I rang again but no answer. I wasn't worried, he would be somewhere.

 I got into bed & after a busy day just fell asleep with the TV on.

 The next day was soon to become the worst day of my life.

 It was as though he had become a different person I said to myself as I sat by the water, just days after my boyfriend took his own life.

 I woke up the next day by the phone ringing, I jumped out of bed, we missed each other last night but now we can talk, I had so much to tell him, that sense of excitement deep in my soul.

 I picked up the phone & to my surprise his mother was on the end of the phone. I got nervous, what could have happened?

 I could tell her voice was shaky, I asked quickly why are you ringing where is my man ( no names are being mentioned)?

There was silence, silence that seemed to last forever.

 Finally the silence broke & she explained that he had been found in our bedroom & had taken his life. She struggled to talk, that conversation is one I can't quite recall. Not sure what was said next.

 I put the phone down, in a dream, sat on the bed in tears.

What will I do without him? What do I do now? I have to tell work I have to go home? How do I tell them that? So many things in my head.

 It seems like a dream now, but somehow I managed to get home.

 Got to the front door of our apartment, his parents greeting me, we hugged, in tears, in total disbelief.

 So much unknown.

 It was as though he had become a different person I said to myself as I sat by the water, just days after my boyfriend took his own life.

 The days & following weeks blurred into each other, not knowing why or how I was in this place.

 Had he waited till I was away? Why when we had such a good holiday?

 "How did I not know him" became my focus, did I know him?

 A question that is the most asked by friends & family of someone who takes their life.

 The answer is yes you did, he was the man I loved, however over the coming weeks & months I came to understand the best I could how troubled he must have been, how lost yet still had the resilience to protect me in his way. To be sure I was not home, to be sure I was somewhere safe away from his pain. That was my man, thoughtful, loving to the end. Noble to the end.

 What I have come to learn is the power of deep seated pain, pain that will drive someone to a place that no matter what we think they may have, his ability to feel, to see or to be touched by anything was not enough to alleviate their pain, their total darkness.

 I now understand that I did know my man & have come to terms with his pain that not even I could have protected him from.

 Contact Marc at Counselling Support to organise an appointment to chat or simply book an appointment online.